Hey you!
Let’s talk about a tiny word that might be secretly sabotaging your joy, your confidence, and, yes, even your success.
It’s just six letters long, but oh my, does it pack a punch:
SHOULD.
“I should be more organized…”
“I should have everything figured out by now…”
“I should be able to handle this on my own…”
Sound familiar? (I’m raising my hand right along with you!)
Here’s what stopped me recently: Every time we say “should,” we’re actually saying “I’m not enough.”
Ouch. Let that sink in for a moment.
The Hidden Cost of “Should-ing”
Think about the last time “should” showed up in your world:
In conversations with yourself?
In feedback to your friend, loved one, or worse yet, your team?
- Did it motivate you to take action, or did it leave you feeling heavy and stuck?
- Did it spark creativity, or did it shut down possibilities?
- Did it energize you, or did it drain your confidence?
When we live in the land of “should,” we’re living in a place of judgment rather than possibility. We’re measuring ourselves – and often others – against some invisible standard that, let’s be honest, probably isn’t even our own. #expectations
And here’s where it gets even trickier: When we use “should” with our teams, we’re not just undermining their confidence – we’re actually blocking their potential to innovate and grow.
- “You should have done it this way…”
- “The team should be further along by now…”
- “They should know better…”
Each “should” carries a subtle message:
“You’re not enough.”
“You’re doing it wrong.”
“You’re disappointing me.”
Even though it is never your intent, it carries a silent message.
No wonder it creates resistance instead of results!
The Power Shift: From “Should” to “Could”
Here’s where the magic happens. What if we replaced every “should” with “could”?
Watch how it changes everything:
For yourself: “I should be more organized” becomes “I could explore systems that work for my style”
“I should have it all figured out” becomes “I could be gentle with myself as I learn and grow”
“I should handle this alone” becomes “I could invite support from others”
With your team: “You should have done it differently” becomes “How could we approach this next time?”
“They should know this by now” becomes “I could provide clearer guidance or support”
“This should be done faster” becomes “What could help make this process more efficient?”
Feel the difference?
One path leads to shame, while the other opens doors to possibility.
Growth & Possibility
Starting today, you have permission to:
- Replace judgment with curiosity
- Trade “should” for “could” or “want to”
- Choose what feels aligned rather than expected
- Define success on your own terms
Your 3-Step Power Shift Practice (For You and Your Team)
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Notice Your “Shoulds”
- Pay attention to when this word appears in your self-talk
- Notice how it makes you feel in your body
- Write down your most frequent “should” statements
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Question the Source
- Ask yourself: “Whose voice is this really?”
- Consider: “What if this ‘should’ isn’t true?”
- Reflect: “What do I actually want?”
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Choose Your Power Words
- Replace “should” with “could,” “want to,” or “choose to”
- Notice how different options feel in your body
- Watch how your team responds to language shifts
- Celebrate growth and learning instead of “shoulds”
This Week’s Empowerment Challenge
Pick ONE “should” that’s been weighing on you lately. Write it down. Now, rewrite it three different ways using empowering alternatives. Choose the version that feels most energizing and take one small step in that direction.
Remember: The way we talk to ourselves shapes the way we show up in the world. When we release the “shoulds,” we make room for what truly matters.
Your power lies in your choices, not in your “shoulds.”
XOXO,
Tonya
P.S. What’s one “should” you’re ready to transform?
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Tonya Kay
Leader-Coach-Speaker
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→ Ready to break free from the “should” trap? Let’s chat about how you can create success on your own terms. Email me: hello@tonyakay.co
→ Tired of living by everyone else’s rules? Let’s design a life that feels authentically yours. Book a “Permission to Thrive” strategy session.
→ Want to lead with confidence (not “shoulds”)? Discover how embracing your authentic voice can transform your impact. Book a breakthrough call.
