Hey friend,
Want to know the real reason you can’t stop judging people? You need to hear this (thank me later)
Every time you judge someone else, you’re actually revealing what you’re most afraid of in yourself.
When you think “She’s a disaster,” you’re terrified of being seen as the same.
When you think “He’s clueless,” you’re worried you don’t have the answers either.
When you think “When are they going to get their sh*t together,” you’re beating yourself up for not having it together.
Your judgment? It’s not about them at all. It’s a flashing neon sign pointing directly at where you’re struggling.
Your Judgment Is Trying to Help You (It Just Sucks at Doing It)
Every critical thought you have about someone else is your brain trying to protect you from feeling vulnerable, scared, or inadequate.
It’s saying, “Quick! Focus on their problems so you don’t have to deal with yours!”
Terrible execution.
Because while you’re busy keeping score on everyone else, you’re ignoring the real issue: You’re exhausted from trying to be perfect, and you’re taking it out on everyone around you.
What Judgment Is Actually Telling You
Let’s get specific:
When you judge someone’s messy house: You’re overwhelmed and barely keeping it together yourself. OR you’re the one who keeps everything PERFECT, and you’re exhausting yourself because you can’t imagine being seen as not having it together.
When you judge someone’s parenting: You’re terrified you’re screwing up your own kids. OR you’re the one who has every minute scheduled and color-coded and you’re terrified of what it means if you loosen your grip.
When you judge someone’s business decisions: You’re second-guessing every choice you make. OR you’re the one who researches everything to death before making a move and you’re judging their speed because you’re paralyzed by your need to get it right.
When you judge someone for “having it all together”: You’re exhausted from pretending you do too. OR you’re actually the one who HAS it all together and you’re resentful that it looks effortless for them when you’re breaking your back to maintain it.
When you judge someone for being “too much”: You’re scared to take up space yourself. OR you’re the one who’s always “on” and performing and you’re jealous they can just be themselves without apologizing.
Your judgment is showing you exactly where you need to stop being so damn hard on yourself.
The Truth You Need to Hear
Here’s what’s really happening:
You’re judging them because deep down, you’re terrified you’re not good enough.
You think that if you work harder, do more, and keep it all together, then you’ll be worthy. THEN people will see you as enough.
But you’re exhausted. And that judgment? It’s just your fear wearing a mask.
Here’s what nobody’s telling you:
You’re already good enough. You don’t have to earn it.
The real power move? Stop running yourself into the ground trying to prove your worth.
How to Actually Do This (3 Steps)
Step 1: Notice it. Just catch it. “Oh, there I go again.”
Step 2: Get curious. Ask yourself: “What am I really afraid of here?”
Step 3: Stop being so damn hard on yourself. Whatever you’re criticizing them for? That’s where you need to cut yourself some slack.
Here’s What This Looks Like:
You think: “She has zero social cues.”
You catch it: “Wait – what am I really saying here?”
The truth: “I’m terrified of saying the wrong thing and looking stupid.”
The shift: “We all miss the mark sometimes. I’m allowed to be imperfect in social situations too.”
You think: “Why doesn’t he just get out of his own head?”
You catch it: “Hold up – why does this bother me?”
The truth: “I’m stuck in my own head and can’t seem to move forward either.”
The shift: “Overthinking is human. I’m working through it, and so is he.”
You think: “They’re so scattered – they say one thing one minute and the complete opposite the next.”
You catch it: “Interesting – what’s this really about?”
The truth: “I’m constantly second-guessing myself and changing direction too.”
The shift: “Figuring things out isn’t linear. I’m allowed to change my mind as I learn.”
What Changes When You Stop
You get your energy back. All that mental scorekeeping was draining you dry.
You actually connect with people. You can’t build real relationships while you’re busy criticizing everyone.
You give yourself permission to be human. And that changes everything.
You show up differently. As a leader. As a parent. As a partner. As yourself.
Stop being so damn hard on yourself. That’s where this all starts.
Your Challenge This Week (Get Specific)
Right now, think of the ONE person you judge most harshly.
Got them? Good.
Now finish this sentence: “When I judge them for __________, what I’m really afraid of is __________.”
Write it down. Look at it. Feel it.
Then stop being so hard on yourself in that exact area.
Every time that judgment pops up this week, catch it and say: “That’s my fear talking. Time to cut myself some slack.”
Watch how everything shifts.
Here’s the Bottom Line
You’re not a bad person for being judgy. You’re just human. And those impossible standards? They’re crushing you.
It’s time to put them down.
Stop carrying that weight. The people around you want the real you anyway.
Start today. Right now. Stop being so damn hard on yourself.
That’s where the real power is.
P.S. Know someone who’s way too hard on themselves?
Forward this: they probably need to hear this as much as you did.
XOXO
Tonya
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Stop Being So Hard on Yourself.
Let’s work together:
→ Tired of the mental scorekeeping? Let’s figure out how to quiet that inner critic so you can actually enjoy your life. Email me: hello@tonyakay.co
→ Done with impossible standards? Let’s create a life that doesn’t require you to be perfect 24/7. Book a Breakthrough Call.
→ Want to lead without the exhaustion? Let’s build your version of success – the one that doesn’t drain you dry. Book a Strategy Session.
